Interesting Random Facts

A rarely discussed contributor to ADD-like behavior can be day care, where many children, starting at age two, follow a rigid schedule initiated by teachers. Frequent changes from one activity to another mean a child can’t focus for long periods or get involved in something interesting without constant interruptions. The schedule basically trains him not to pay careful attention.

Here’s a typical day for a young child in a day care program. He may wake as early as 5:30 a.m. so his family can leave home by 6:00 to get to day care by 6:30. He’s rushed as he gets dressed, and there’s no time to play before driving off. Once he arrives at the center, his schedule is packed (only naptime lasts longer than an hour).

6:30 Arrives and says goodbye to his parents, whom he won’t see again for ten to twelve hours
6:30–7:00 Breakfast
7:00–8:00 Table games, puzzles, quiet activities
8:00–8:30 Story
8:30–9:15 Art activity
9:15–9:45 Snack
9:45–10:30 Outdoor play (with a lot of time spent sharing equipment: “You have five minutes to ride the bike, and then it’s Ben’s turn.”)
10:30–11:15 Circle time (teacher directed lessons)
11:15–11:30 Song and movement activity
11:30–12:00 Lunch
12:00–2:00 Nap
2:00–2:30 Snack
2:30–3:15 Outdoor play
3:15–4:00 Free play (coloring, play dough, cutting, and block building)
4:00–4:30 Learning centers (reading, weather, holidays, and science)
4:30–5:00 Music
5:00–6:00 Table activities, puzzles, cleanup, and preparation to leave.

At 6:00 p.m., the child is picked up and taken home or on an errand. His family arrives home between 6:30 and 7:00, and he plays or watches TV until dinner from 7:00 to 7:30. Then he plays for a short while before bath, story, and bed at 8:30, or later if he had a long nap at school.

Children do this day after day, often for three, four, or five years. While the day care schedule may seem to keep them busy and enriched, it actually operates counter to their needs. According to developmentalist Erik Erikson, preschoolers have important tasks at this developmental stage: they need a lot of time to initiate ideas; plan, discover, carry out, and persevere in activities; and set goals. This is how children learn to focus, concentrate, and follow through.

Yet children in many day care programs are not focusing and following through enough. All day, they’re required to stop, share, or give up whatever they’re using before they’re done. They often don’t have time to finish what they start before teachers interrupt to get them ready for the next activity. The constant starting and stopping and the lack of flexibility keep children from learning to concentrate for extended periods, a necessary function of the developing brain.

The frustration of not being able to finish what they start or having to share before they’ve finished using something can make children uncooperative and fidgety. By the time a child gets to kindergarten or first grade, his teachers may be pointing out his ADD-like behavior.

ADD has become a common, and at times controversial, childhood “disorder.” Children are diagnosed with it when they have trouble paying attention to tasks, especially ones they’re not interested in.

While a preschooler may be identified as having ADD, more often a child is diagnosed during the early elementary years, when teachers or parents begin complaining about how distractible a child is. “He just doesn’t focus.” “He doesn’t sit still or follow directions.”

There’s no consistent chemical evidence for ADD, and while it’s certainly a real disorder, a growing number of people feel that it’s over-diagnosed by pediatricians, therapists, and even educators. Children who truly have ADD typically have additional neurobiological difficulties including visual, auditory, or motor problems. But any child who says, “I forgot,” and who dawdles before going to school; procrastinates when getting dressed, doing homework, or doing chores; is boisterous, aggressive, or temperamental; or gets involved in something other than what he’s directed to do, could potentially be labeled ADD and medicated for the condition.

One mother gave two examples of what she believed was ADD-like behavior in her four-year-old. “He sits at dinner with one leg hanging off the side of the chair, and he doesn’t listen when I tell him to stay close by me in the mall.” When asked what she does about these things, she responded, “Nothing! He has ADD, so he can’t help it.”

Too often, the diagnosis of ADD and the medication that follows are either a catch-all method of dealing with a seemingly difficult, but normal, child or an excuse for not setting firm limits, spending time with him, and meeting his needs at home or at school. Parents and teachers worried by the increase in ADD diagnoses need to know that there are a variety of other, more common reasons why a young child would have trouble listening to adults or paying attention to his responsibilities.

Many children are simply spirited by nature, or they may act out in aggressive ways because they’re not receiving enough calm, positive attention. A child may feel stress because of his parents’ divorce, a new sibling, tension, and yelling at home, or school pressures. Often, parents haven’t helped their child learn to get along with others, and haven’t given him enough limits, guidance, and discipline.

Other aspects to consider are the quick-paced lifestyle children are expected to live, the constant exposure to TV and video games, and the click of the computer mouse taking children from one busy site to another.

Many preschool and day care programs claim to be “academic,” teaching very young children to count, recite the alphabet, and learn various concepts. Such emphasis on educational activities is part of a larger, society-wide push to have children learn more, faster.

Publishers put out educational books and software; toy companies manufacture educational games; television shows teach the alphabet and numbers. Because of pressure from friends, neighbors, some child development professionals, and the media, many parents feel concerned if their young child hasn’t yet learned shapes, colors, letters, and numbers.

It’s possible to teach a young child to memorize and then recite back almost any short list, including the numbers from one to ten and the alphabet. A three-year-old may know that saying “One, two, three, four,” is called counting, but she probably won’t understand that the number eight represents eight objects until she’s four or five.

A child can’t be taught to understand concepts before she’s developmentally ready. Gradually, as she’s read to and as she experiments, plays with objects, asks questions, observes her environment, and explores, she’ll learn what words and numbers mean. If her natural curiosity is encouraged and she has materials to experiment with, she’ll learn concepts easily. But too much emphasis on early education may discourage a child and diminish her natural drive to learn. Parents can wait until their child shows a spontaneous interest in letters, words, and concepts, and then follow up on what she can do.

There’s no need for schools and parents to provide excessive amounts of educational materials for young children. Colors, shapes, numbers, and words are part of whatever children do, so they learn about these things naturally. Every day, a child hears, “You’re wearing blue shorts,” “Do you want the red or the green crayon?” “Here are three crackers,” or “Look at that big truck.” Parents talk about rainy days and sunny days; names of birds, animals, and flowers; the different seasons; and more.

A child has constant exposure to such concepts as same and different (milk is different than juice; Mom is different than Dad), soft and hard, big and little. She hears adults counting, sees them reading, and observes letters and numbers everywhere. She gets a natural jump on literacy when her parents read to her daily, patiently repeating her favorite stories.

You’ll hear your child ask, “How many is this?” “What color is this?” “What does this say?” “What’s that?” She’ll begin to count out loud, at first getting the numbers out of order, and she’ll write letters on paper, often creating nonsense words, or writing letters or her name backwards. Try not to correct her, but rather encourage her to keep counting and keep writing. She’ll learn at her own pace, without pressure, because young children are interested and self motivated.

Then starting with kindergarten and first grade, you’ll see her make great strides in literacy and math. And if you consistently show an interest in learning and discovery, encourage your child, and nurture her interests, she’ll follow your lead and always find excitement and joy in learning.

When parents work full time outside the home, they often send their child to a day care center. Yet eight to twelve hours a day, five days a week, is a long time for parents and children to be apart, and the separation can take an emotional toll on parents. They miss their child, particularly when he first begins a program, and worry about the care he’s receiving. Is he happy? Safe? Are his teachers taking an interest in him? Does he have friends?

Parents may feel guilty because they fear that day care will have a negative effect on their child. If they see his behavior change, they wonder if it’s because of his program. They may feel bad about not spending enough time with him, and a mother, especially, may wonder whether she should have gone to work full time in the first place. Even when parents and child are together in the evenings, the effects of work and day care continue. There’s never enough time together at home, and parents who want time for themselves may feel guilty about not paying enough attention to their child.

If you’re concerned about having your child in a full-time program, your feelings are natural. There are things you can do to lessen your guilt and worry, and to solve some of the child-care–related problems you experience. The most important step is to reassure yourself about your child’s well-being by staying in close contact with his teachers. Call the center periodically, and find out how he’s doing. If the teachers agree (and they should), ask that he be brought to the phone so you can talk to him. When you have a chance, drop by the day care center unannounced so you can observe him at play. You’ll feel better if you see him happily involved.

If you suspect that he’s not happy, don’t ignore the problem, even if you feel desperate about the need for child care. It takes a great deal of effort and energy to become involved in your child’s day care situation; some parents avoid or deny all problems because they don’t have the time, desire, or energy to cope. Others are afraid even to question their child about his day for fear he’ll say something negative.

If you’re worried about your child’s adjustment to day care, you have to become involved enough to help him. Make sure the quality of his program remains high, don’t compromise. Spend as much time as possible with him, playing and doing activities together, when you’re home in the evenings and on weekends. Look to other parents for support and advice. Don’t leave him at day care when you have a day off work.

Instead, take him with you to run errands. And finally, reconsider your need to work outside the home or to work full time. You and your child could benefit greatly if you were able to stay home with him as much as possible during the few short years before elementary school.

It might take your child a few weeks to adjust to school or day care, and during that time you may see some changes in behavior, such as bed-wetting, nightmares, decreased appetite, more frequent whining, and reluctance to go to school.

Getting used to a program is more difficult for some children than others, but most children are affected in some way during the early days of a new situation. You’ll have to be patient and understanding as your child adjusts.

If, after several weeks, she’s still showing behavioral changes and seems unhappy, talk to her teachers, and stay to observe the program. You might even drop in unexpectedly to see how she is and to try to find out why she isn’t enjoying herself.

As you watch her, ask yourself the following questions: Does she seem to have friends she enjoys? Is she one of the youngest children in the group? (If she is, she may feel less confident and accepted.) Is she getting enough attention from her teachers? If the program seems inappropriate, take her out and find a better one.

But if you’re unsure, wait a bit before making your decision. Your child just might need an extra amount of understanding and time to adjust to day care or school.

Every child feels some jealousy toward her siblings. A toddler may be jealous of the attention a new baby receives. A four-year-old may resent an older one’s abilities, privileges, and experience. A quiet child may resent the attention her more outgoing or accomplished sibling receives. While some jealousy is inevitable, consistent jealousy comes from a child’s belief that she’s being treated unfairly (from her point of view) by her parents.

Children are very sensitive to their parents’ words and actions: “You always let Tyler play with that.” “Mommy always yells at me.” “My brother always gets to stay up late.” Parents, at times, give more positive attention to one child. Perhaps they feel that he needs encouragement or is temporarily vulnerable: “You were so nice today.”

They may feel proud of one child’s accomplishments: “Show Grandma and Grandpa what you learned in ballet.” A child may be right about her treatment, or she may be misreading her situation. But as long as she thinks she’s being slighted or not given the attention she needs or wants, she’ll be jealous.

Parents’ attitudes and actions shape the relationships between siblings. Sometimes, without realizing it, parents favor one child. They may believe they’re fair, but in subtle and powerful ways, they give great cause for jealousy: “Becky knows how to pour her own juice. You need my help.” “Thank goodness Katie’s such an easy baby.” “Could you please be a good listener like your brother?”

When kids feel jealousy, they often express it: “You always let her sit there!” However, many parents get angry or won’t listen: “That’s not true!” “You sit on that chair just as many times as your brother.” If a child gets yelled at or in trouble for protesting, she’ll stop speaking up. Complaining is risky if it means making parents angry. A child who can’t express her feelings to her parents will act out, misbehave, or direct her anger or resentment toward her sibling, which will create sibling rivalry.

There are constructive changes you can make if you want to lessen sibling jealousy: Do the best you can at being fair. Be open to changing your ways, especially if jealousy between your children is significant. Don’t take sides or compare them to each other. Don’t expect the same behavior from each of your children. Give them the time and attention they need. Try to create a balance so that, despite differences in age, interests, personality, and skills, each of your children feels special and important.

Listen to her suggestions: “Watch me too.” “Don’t always talk about Ian.” When your child sees and experiences changes you make in how you respond to her and her siblings, she’ll start to feel better about her siblings, and she’ll begin to feel less jealous.

Whenever you face sibling rivalry in your family, you should talk to your children, clearly stating your expectations. Let them know what the limits are, and discuss ways they can control their fighting. “Let Molly know you’re mad without hitting her.” “If you don’t like what your brother’s doing, come tell me and we’ll work it out together.” “You have to include your sister.” If you don’t set limits on rivalry, your children will believe you accept their negative behavior, and it will likely continue.

If you catch them in the middle of an argument, make them sit down and discuss the situation with each other or with you. If necessary, act as a mediator. “Mason doesn’t want you to grab toys from him.” Listen to each child’s side, even if that means putting up with, “You played with it longer!” or “No, I had it first!” After you’ve listened, ask them to come up with a solution: “How can you fix this problem?” Offer a solution yourself, or direct them toward another activity.

Sometimes they’ll have trouble talking about their fights. They know they’re angry, but they don’t know how to explain why. Suggest possible reasons for your child’s dissatisfaction. “Maybe you think Nicole got a better toy than you did.” “You might be mad because Corey got to watch more TV.”

Let your children know that if they persist in arguing, there will be consequences. You already know what will work best, whether it’s taking away (or threatening to take away) privileges or sending your child to a “be nice” chair. Make sure the consequences for misbehavior are appropriate and not too harsh, or you’ll just stir up more resentment. Instead of thinking, “I won’t hit him,” your child may be so angry at his punishment that he’ll think, “I’m never playing with my brother again!”

You may have success by offering your children rewards for getting along, but be prepared to monitor your children closely. While you might see improved behavior, you also might see an increase in tattling or threats. “Ooh, I’m telling on you, and you won’t get a treat from Mom.” You might also find that the novelty wears off, and the rewards gradually become less effective.

Above all, to eliminate rivalry, treat your children fairly. If you tend to reward one child and blame the other, reevaluate your attitudes. When you’re fair and generous with your praise, “Thank you for sharing with your sister,” or “I’m glad you let Billy play with you”, they’ll feel better about themselves and be less likely to argue.

Of course, you can never stop all the bickering. “Shut up!” “Stupid!” and “I hate you!” are standard sibling exchanges. They’re upsetting, but they’re the quick, angry expressions of a sibling relationship. If the bickering is brief, infrequent, and quickly resolved, just accept it. But whenever sibling rivalry moves beyond a few words spoken in haste, step in, set limits, and help your children resolve their differences.

Parents are far too accepting of sibling rivalry; many excuse it. “That’s just how kids are. All brothers and sisters fight.” Many stop trying to deal with it because they don’t know what to do. They hear the endless bickering, whining, and arguing, and just give up, only interfering when one child starts crying or gets physically hurt. Yet parents aren’t helpless. There are steps they can take to eliminate most of the day-to-day struggles between siblings.

The key is getting involved. Parents shouldn’t ignore their children’s rivalry. When kids sense that a parent won’t step in, they often escalate their battles. One boy, who was rarely reprimanded for the way he treated his sister, continually picked on her. Some people believe that paying attention to sibling rivalry only encourages it, because kids argue in order to get attention. However, kids generally put their efforts into seeking positive, rather than negative, attention.

The real root of sibling rivalry is a child’s angry belief that he isn’t being treated fairly, that his sibling is enjoying more parental affection or privileges. He directs his anger toward his sibling rather than his parents because he needs his parents for love and care. He doesn’t want to risk losing their approval. It’s much safer to attack a brother or sister.

A child will feel unfairly treated if his parents say, “Your sister is older, so she gets to stay up later.” A child can easily feel hurt and insecure if his parents say, “You need to practice more than your brother does,” “Let him show you how to throw the ball,” or “Your sister knows how to put that together.” The child being praised will feel entitled to gloat and may start to say, “I know how to draw, and you don’t,” or even repeat his parents’ words, “You don’t know how to do that.” The one being put down will start to resent his sibling.

This presents a dilemma for parents who believe older children should have more privileges. One mother thought her five-year old should stay up later than her three-year-old. This caused great conflicts. The older child teased the younger, and the younger yelled, “I don’t like you!” Eventually, the three-year-old fussed so long at bedtime that he was awake as long as his sister anyway.

If an older child is treated as bigger and better than a younger sibling, the younger will fight for the privileges his sibling enjoys. He’ll feel helpless, unequal, and powerless to change what he sees as an unfair situation, and he’ll take those feelings out on his sibling.

Many parents can remember their own similar feelings of resentment toward a brother or sister, yet they continue to treat children as they once hated being treated. A better alternative to granting privileges by age is to treat kids equally, and make simple and practical allowances for differences in size, maturity, and physical development.

Sibling rivalry may escalate or develop if a new baby is born. A former “only child” will face the shock of sharing his parents for the first time. A pair of siblings will find their positions in the family altered by the baby’s arrival. The middle child, in particular, may feel left out. Parents can ease their older children’s adjustment by giving them extra attention and acknowledging their feelings. “It’s hard getting used to a new baby, isn’t it?”

Although it’s intriguing and important to consider the differences between your children, it’s also important to deal with the differences carefully. Accept each as she is, nurture her, and encourage her to pursue activities that she enjoys and is good at. Don’t push and pull her in directions she can’t or doesn’t want to go. Remember not to compare your children out loud. They’ll hear your comparisons as judgments, and one will end up feeling superior or inferior to the other.

It’s natural to feel disappointed in your children at times. “He’s not the ball player I’d hoped he’d be.” “I wish she were more sociable.” Try to accept what disappoints you. It’s emotionally unhealthy for your children to hear your negative evaluations. They’ll wonder, “What’s wrong with me?” “Why couldn’t I be like my sister?”

The best way to treat differences is matter-of-factly and with respect. “Sam enjoys reading.” “Julie likes gymnastics.” Your kids will be affected throughout their lives by the way you view them. If you set the right tone, they’ll follow your lead and learn to appreciate and accept differences as a natural part of life. As a result, they’ll grow up feeling good about their siblings and themselves.

Children in the same family can sometimes be strikingly different. Parents may believe they’re raising their children in similar ways, yet the children have very different personalities, abilities, and interests. Why?

Naturally, heredity plays a major role in determining temperament and abilities. One child in a family may be easygoing by nature, another more sensitive. One may have athletic ability, while another is intellectually inclined.

Gender affects personality differences as well. Boys and girls frequently have different interests and activity levels, although each may become strongly involved in activities stereotypically associated with the opposite sex. In addition, kids often imitate what they see, and if parents have very different interests and personalities, one child may imitate her mother, while the other follows her father.

The way parents treat their children has a major impact on the development of personality, interests, and abilities. Parents shape and steer their child in many ways, both consciously and unconsciously. They may encourage musical talent while ignoring mechanical ability; they may inadvertently stifle creativity or individuality while urging their child to “be good.” They may offer her nurturing role models or help her become a leader.

Within a family, each child’s experience is unique. For instance, a firstborn receives a lot of attention during her years as the only child. However, because her parents are inexperienced, they may be cautious, demanding, and nervous at the same time that they’re loving and proud. Parents are sometimes a little more relaxed or lenient with their younger children.

There are other circumstances that lead parents to treat their children differently, often with negative results. One child may have a temperamental characteristic that unhappily reminds her parents of something in themselves or another relative. Parents don’t like seeing familiar negative characteristics reflected in their child and may wish, or pressure, her to be different.

The resemblance can be something specific. A parent with a strong temper may single out a child with a similar personality. “Your loud mouth will get you in trouble.” The parent who has negative feelings about himself may treat the child who is like him more harshly than he treats his other children.

The resemblance can also be general. A child might simply be a reminder to her parents that they (and she) are not as aggressive, talented, or intelligent as they would like to be. One parent, talking to his spouse about their child, said, “She’s stubborn, just like you.” If one child physically resembles a parent or other relative in a way that makes parents uncomfortable, they may voice their displeasure. “Your hair is so thin, just like my sister’s.” “You have ears like your mother.” “You’re short like me.” More often parents don’t mention their feelings aloud, yet still may be bothered by aspects of their child’s appearance.

The child who is the unfortunate target of such comments will feel unhappy and singled out among her siblings. If she hears these messages often enough, she’ll internalize them. “I’m not smart.” “I’m not pretty.” “I’m not good at sports.” She may behave as though what she’s heard is true. Her siblings who have escaped their parents’ criticism will not have such negative self-images.

Siblings may also develop strong differences if one seems to be favored by her parents. For example, if parents believe one child is prettier than the other and express that belief to both, one will grow up feeling worthwhile, while the other will feel less valued and less attractive.

Sometimes parents focus too much attention, time, or money on one child; this can have a negative impact on the other children in the family. If a child sees her brother receive attention and praise for his athletic ability, she’ll look for a way to get attention for herself. She may try to compete with him, but that’s unlikely if she feels she can’t match him. Rather than risk having her parents compare her performance to his, she may eventually give up on sports altogether.

Instead, she’ll try to find another way to distinguish herself. She may try art or dancing, or develop a charming or funny manner. However, if she can’t get enough positive attention from her parents, she might seek negative attention, perhaps developing a behavioral problem at home and school. As time goes on, the unhappier she becomes, the more likely she is to become careless with her schoolwork, family, and peers, and the less likely she’ll be to get positive feedback from her parents. Her experience will be very different from her sibling’s.

Parents sometimes deliberately steer their kids in different directions, often to avoid possible conflicts and competition. If an older child enrolls in dance class, her parents may discourage her younger sibling from doing the same for fear one will outshine the other. Some parents were raised in competitive households and want to spare their children the experience of failing to measure up to a sibling. However, when parents keep one child from pursuing her interest, they rob her of a chance for enjoyment and accomplishment.

Siblings can successfully participate in the same activities as long as their parents don’t focus on competition between them or praise one and not the other. Even if one is better, there will always be something good to say about each. Both should be encouraged.